Friday, January 27, 2006

JehovahJawehAllah: PINNING HIM DOWN

In this post, which is an entry in Monday's GOD OR NOT CARNIVAL, I take a great flying leap and try to define god.

Now if you've visited me here before, you know I worship female deity. The option to define "female deity," however, was not offered, only the option to define "god."

So although I’m laboring under a gigundo handicap, I'm going to give it the old heave-ho anyhoo!

First, I lightened my load by narrowing the field, out of the hundreds clamoring for my attention, to one particular god (go see Anne at the gods are bored for an exact head count of all these guys). This particular god is JehovahJawehAllah.

To define this god, I consulted the ChristianJewishMuslim holy book, the BibleTorahKoran, and, after careful study, determined that JehovahJawehAllah is, in essence, an extraordinarily jealous god who adores war for war’s sake, and who gets subtle satisfaction out of ordering dads to roast sons over slow fires (never daughters – JJA appears in the dark re: the idea “daughter”).

Here’s a BibleTorahKoran passage to warm any mother’s heart: “Little Ike spoke up and said to his father Abe, "Father?" "Yes, my son?" Abe replied. "The fire and wood are here," Little Ike said, "but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

And then Abe replied, “No, kid, see, this time YOU are the burnt offering. The Dude-in-the-Sky gets off on smelling cooked boy. So just simmer down and let me knot this noose around your neck, okay? ... No, no, I promise, it won’t hurt….” (Genesis 22:7 etc.)

Now, even though movies pass him off as a sweet old guy in a bow tie, this JehovahJawehAllah is not a happy dude. Go find a bible concordance and look up “war.” To do it online, go HERE. Once you get HERE, plug “war” into the search box.

You’ll get rewarded with 364 hits. Not all hits show the word “war” per se; some show “warrior,” some “warnings” (of how JehovahJawehAllah will hurt you if you refuse to pot-roast Little Ike, or refuse to say “how high” when he says “jump.”). Once I saw “wardrobe.” Three times I saw “warm,” four times “wares,” “warranted” once, and once I saw “warped” (“he was a warped and sinful man”).

Now we’re down to 354 bible verses sporting the words “war” or “warn/warnings”; three-fourths of which are “war.” One-fourth are “warnings” about how and how hard JehovahJawehAllah will hurt you if you look at him cross-eyed.

(Personally, I think JehovahJawehAllah has a bit of personality B.O. I suspect his daddy beat on him a lot, so now he feels like passing on the favor. Some kind-hearted soul needs to drop a stick of personality deodorant on his doorstep.)

Now we come to [whispers] S - E - X. Let me tall ya: when it comes to sex appeal, this dude is HURTING. Frankly, I don’t even think he has a body, let alone sex organs. For example, when he wanted a son, he wouldn’t (or couldn’t) do that ugly, pimply sex-act thing. Instead, he told his underlings Mary & Joe do it. Actually, it was kind of him to let a woman in on the job -- lots of gods don’t do that. (Lots, for example, build sons in their own bodies, and then split their bellies open and the son pops out. Or they let daughters “spring forth full-grown” from their heads. Also, the first time JehovahJawehAllah did person-manufacturing, he did it using nothing but a guy’s rib. I kid you not.)

In sum: The definition of JehovahJawehAllah is as follows: n. A jealous, sexless old sadist with a temper problem who gets off on war for the sake of war.

So, boys and girls, now you know why the world’s in a pickle and a jam.

Don’t forget, though: the people JehovahJawehAllah’s caught in his mousetrap are not bad. Just brainwashed. We love and want to save them, for they know not what they do.

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