Thursday, July 27, 2006

Introducing THE GLORIOUS Yaj!

In commenting on today’s second post, eruvande says she’s not sure Yahweh, Allah and Jehovah are really the same god (just for fun, let’s call him “Yaj”). So I’ve chased down a list of the ways these three “different” deities are as alike as peas in a pod:

All three love war.
All three are violently jealous.
All three proudly admit they are violently jealous.
All three will chop your head off if you worship any other god but them.
All three say slavery is fine and dandy.
All three say women are evil and dirty.
All three allow men mistresses and multiple wives.
All three allow male priests only, no women.
All three say sex is dirty.
All three demand adulterers be stoned to death.
All three say human bodies are evil.
All three say pleasure is evil.
All three love hierarchy – men first, animals last.
All three approve of dictatorship only, never democracy.
All three have the same cast of characters in their ‘stories.’
All three solve problems with warfare and violence.
All three are called “Abrahamaic” deities.
All three were born out of the same primitive desert religion.
All three reside in the heavens, out of reach of humans.
All three have long, white beards (well, maybe I should check the sources on this last one….)

And there you have him: the vainglorious, violent, pig-headed, primitive, polygynous, war-loving, woman-hating, slavery-loving, sex-hating, body-hating YAJ!!! Isn’t he just cute as the dickens? Couldn’t you just chuck him under his hairy little chin? Isn’t he just everything you want your kids to become?!?

Be sure to tell me if I've left out any of Yaj's sterling, godly qualities.

And hey all you christians, muslims and jews: I love ya! So get this dude outa your lives, 'cause he's a bum. All he's done is make you fight each other (not to mention the rest of us) for the past 2000 years. Chuck him, my friends, chuck him and give all of us -- and yourselves -- a big, fat break.
thnx to kuzma for the fine fotos of Yaj


Amananta said...

Oh, so awesome. Listen - years and years ago, I had this terrible mystical vision. I saw a demon arising out of the desert and growing larger and larger until he swept over the earth, leaving death, destruction, and misery in his wake. This was the "god" of the religions of the book.
We need a really powerful banishing spell! Or something!

Athana said...

Amananta, you must be prophetic. How about a spell to get all his followers to open their eyes and finally see that the emperor Yaj wears no clothes?

Anne Johnson said...

I think they all agree that he's the god of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. (And BTW, archeologists say that there's no evidence that A, I & J ever existed, or that Hebrew slaves left Egypt en masse.)

Eruvande said...

Yeah, they're uncannily similar. But I still think yaj is awfully schizoid if in one breath he's begetting sons, and in the next he's saying that detestable.

but, hey, I think we were all aware that he's not the full shilling..

Morgaine said...

Athana - if I were still alive, I'd ask you to marry me. Hee.

They may indeed refer to three different deities with the same disfunctional qualities, but they've become and amalgam of everything wrong in this world, and need to be erased en masse.

Paxton said...

I have trimmed your list down to the ones that apply to the Lord (more specifically, his instructions to the nation of Israel). Since we're talking about Mosaic law, I'll refrain from any NT-OT discussion.

-- Was violently jealous. (More precisely, jealous, with consequent judgment sometimes involving violence. Read Amos if you ever wonder why).

-- Admitted it (well, declared it, rather).

-- Punished those who did not worship him.

-- Didn't forbid slavery. Didn't encourage it.

-- Didn't forbid multiple wives. Didn't encourage it.

-- Allowed male priests only.

-- Said sex caused ritual uncleanness.

-- Demanded that adulterers be stoned to death.

-- Placed more importance on humans than animals.

-- Had many of the same people in his Bible as are in the Koran (sp?)

-- Solved problems with warfare and violence (not all problems)

-- Was the God of Abraham

-- Resided in the heavens, but was hardly out of reach of faithful humans. For the Israelites: stayed with them in the desert in the form of a cloud and pillar of fire. Spoke from mountains and burning bushes and prophets and angels. His glory lived in their tabernacle and then in their temple.

Paxton said...

The items left off my list are inaccurate or at least very debatable. Some of the items left on my list still apply in the NT, some were laws for the Israelites only.

Please stop telling lies about my God. =)

Davo said...

"Yaj"? all hail to the glorious Yaj...heh.