YOU CAN'T commit ADULTERY WITH A STAPLE GUN, or, An Ode to the Hobby Lobby Craft Stores

“At that very moment, I heard a voice telling me, ‘Eleanor, go ye forth and tell of the Lord’s wonders, using pipe cleaners, Popsicle sticks, and enormous Day-Glo crêpe-paper sunflowers with plastic googly eyes and refrigerator-magnet grins.’ 

"By the very next day, I had crafted a miniature replica of the Last Supper, entirely out of those tiny Jet-Puffed marshmallows, empty bottles of mini-bar vodka, and human hair.

SNIP

“... the Reverend Lionel Harmwater has led his flock in scrapbooking the entire Bible by adding doily borders to every page, along with oaktag-framed photos of bowling pins on which parishioners have enamelled the faces of their patron saints.

“This Bible now weighs more than fifty-eight pounds and rests on a reinforced redwood picnic table in the sacristy.... I love to page through this Bible, to discover pop-up tinfoil angels holding antiqued parchment banners reading ‘Pray & Crochet!’ or ‘You Can’t Commit Adultery with a Staple Gun!’”

Read the rest at The New Yorker, July 21, 2014 issue, “Hobby Lobbyist.”   

glueing THINGS TOGETHER AGAIN

When the world whirled around goddesses, we were OK.  

Of course that was a few years ago (6000, to be exact). 

But hey!  The facts don’t lie: according to some of our best thinkers, before around 6000 BC no war or snooty hierarchy raised their ugly heads anywhere on the planet.

When you own a womb and can manufacture tiny, dewy, human things, you adopt a different perspective on Life.  You cherish it. You’re not thrilled by violence and warfare.  They threaten to scrub out the sweet things springing from your body. 

It’s time we scrubbed warfare off the planet. Returning to female deity would be a way to do it. 

GODDESS hunk TURNED UP

He sounds like a real hunk of a dude – but he’s a bit old for my tastes. 

  

Keep your eye trained on this 6,500-year-old anyway, though, because he hails from Iraq’s last Great Goddess civilization, the Ubaidian.

He’s a rare find – complete skeletons from these ancient and peaceful old goddess days are scarce as hen’s teeth. 

Sounds like this guy was a looker, too:

“The body is believed to be that of a well-muscled man at least 50 who stood 5 feet, 9 inches tall, according to Monge. She hopes a skeletal analysis, possibly including a CT scan, will reveal more about his diet, stresses, diseases and ancestral origins....” [Go HERE to read more.]

Anyway, as we discover more about this dude, we'll discover more too about how good Iraq had it before ancient war-god monsters moved in and crunched them for lunch. 

BTW:  for a complete rundown on the showdown between the Ubaidians and the ancient war-god monsters, get your hands on a copy of Switching to Goddess: Humanity's Ticket to the Future.  It is sold in most online bookstores near you.