YOU CAN'T commit ADULTERY WITH A STAPLE GUN, or, An Ode to the Hobby Lobby Craft Stores

“At that very moment, I heard a voice telling me, ‘Eleanor, go ye forth and tell of the Lord’s wonders, using pipe cleaners, Popsicle sticks, and enormous Day-Glo crêpe-paper sunflowers with plastic googly eyes and refrigerator-magnet grins.’ 

"By the very next day, I had crafted a miniature replica of the Last Supper, entirely out of those tiny Jet-Puffed marshmallows, empty bottles of mini-bar vodka, and human hair.

SNIP

“... the Reverend Lionel Harmwater has led his flock in scrapbooking the entire Bible by adding doily borders to every page, along with oaktag-framed photos of bowling pins on which parishioners have enamelled the faces of their patron saints.

“This Bible now weighs more than fifty-eight pounds and rests on a reinforced redwood picnic table in the sacristy.... I love to page through this Bible, to discover pop-up tinfoil angels holding antiqued parchment banners reading ‘Pray & Crochet!’ or ‘You Can’t Commit Adultery with a Staple Gun!’”

Read the rest at The New Yorker, July 21, 2014 issue, “Hobby Lobbyist.”